February 2009
85 posts
Miles on Lost is the Asian Billy Crystal of the Island.
January 2009
75 posts
HERO FANTASY: “Quick! This man is choking! Does anyone know all the words to Skeelo’s I Wish!” A lone hand from the crowd is raised - mine.
DEPRESSING SONG ALERT: When you’re a blubbering heap at minute four and the remaining minute you have to skip or you are through the window.
“gamma gamma gamma gamma gamma gamma globulin…” love that song.
Is being a super gay Ricky Martin even possible? I don’t know how, but you done did it.
You can be my Samoan Jesus.
The only goth in Salt Lake City?! Are we talking about the same Salt Lake City? (Yes, I am a day late watching Idol. My TiVo says suck it!)
I came to bring the Funk & Wagnalls, bitches!
I love DeVotchKa. But I love any band that has dudes with big horns. (say no more, say no more)
You know you’re a print nerd when you love to deeply inhale fliers fresh from the printer. And then rub them on your face.
There’s a right way to wear a flat cap and there’s a wong way to wear a flat cap. Guess which one you are.
I’m at DeVotchKa. Where the F are you? #devotchkawatch09
Faint smell of smoke and dispair fills the room. Huddled around the nickel slots at Excalibur? Naw, it’s just another post lunch meeting.
TRANSLATE MY DREAM: Location-carnival. Players-me and Alec Baldwin. Request-he asked to be spanked. Result-it was the best band trip ever.
I have completed the first and most pressing of my New Years resolutions: quit biting fingernails. Now on to the next: stop stabbing hobos.
Ooooh oooh twitter/I wanna sex you up/tick-tock you don’t stop-stop #twittercouplesskate
What’s the internets mailing address? I am sending it Hip Hop Abs® posthaste; I can’t stand another sight of those flabby stomach ads.
I’ll go to church when Sunday is renamed Sundae: Sponsored by Baskin Robbins.
3 Doors Down does not make me want to join the National Guard. Unless three doors down from the recruiting office is a bar. Then I am so in.
Somebody’s Watching Me →
Rockwell needs to upgrade to an opaque shower curtain with anchors or ducks on it. Something less frightening for his delicate imagination. Or maybe he needs one one with…
Get out of my dreams, get into my carp.
This morning at the Top Stop - Me: “Hi.” John Krasinski: “Hi.” Me: *Swoon* And scene.
Can you talk about a psychic behind their back?
The guys complaining about Obama’s oath are the same guys that make those kids say the sacrament blessing four times. #inaug09
That’s enough political jokes for today. Now back to my real area of expertise, poop jokes. #inaug09
I was looking forward to hearing Obama give the president speech from Independence Day, but that was pretty good too. #inaug09
Did Obama swing by SuperCuts in the way? Something is awry with those sideburns. #inaug09
Huzzah to Obama! #inaug09
You have to ask yourself, am I rocking the hat, or is the hat rocking me? #inaug09
H eh? Well, there you go. #inaug09
I wish I was a member of the Supreme Court; those robes would hide the fact that I am constantly pantless nicely. A nice perk. #inaug09
January 20th, 2009: Old and busted, new hotness. #inaug09
Question: Why are all the White House candy dishes empty? Answer: See Laura Bush’s coat pockets.
What he lacks in liver he makes up in heart.
“Even if the movie sucks at least it will be dark in there.” Overheard this morning from a couple of late night party animals at Sundance.
Disney Presents: Drunks on Ice. Playing now at Sundance 2009.
Jesus is my CEO.
Sundance 2009 is where the cool kids dress like they are trying out for an antartic Weezer cover band. #sundance
I have been to the land of $20 parking, my friends, and it is good. #sundance
I think we can all agree who the winner of American Idol is so far: Boys II Men.
Practicing my tweets for Sundance next week: “OMG _____ just got in my car and _____ a _____!”
Sorry man, but six pairs of underwear for six bucks is not what I call “living the high life.”
Research for Sundance: Look at boots, read some maps, listen to Lil’ Wayne.
Tell my family I love them. I think I just ODed. On McRibs.
This tastes like poop on a pringle!
Q: What’s that sound? A: Delhomme putting out the candles on his birthday cake with his tears. #obligatoryfootballjoke
A big happy birthday wish goes out today to zany celebrity Bob Denver. May you live to be a 100 and some! What’s that? AWW DAMMIT!
You might die of aluminum poisoning of the pits, but at least your corpse won’t smell like a frijito pie. Use deoderant! The More You Know.
Watching my second favorite Patrick Swayze movie, “Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.” It’s the anti-Road House.
I wonder if the Heisman Trophy came with a return envelope. You know, like Netflix, the only thing left that hasn’t let me down tonight.